I’ve always been superstitious ever since I was a youngster. I salute single magpies, I don’t walk under ladders, or put new shoes on the table and I’ve always been slightly uncomfortable by Friday 13th’s. However when the year 2013 came around, I didn’t pay much attention to the association of the number and whilst there are probably people in the world who have made life plans based on the luckiness (or not), I came into 2013 pretty much the same way as every new year – with a list of achievable resolutions. My main one was to progress with my dancing and importantly to change the way I felt about dancing.
For those who know me well, know that the last 3 years give or take have been pretty tough professionally. I have always worked hard and worked full time to earn money to pay the bills and to enjoy the nicer things in life. So when my work life (which dominates and takes up most of my time) started to unravel and become desperately difficult, this had a huge impact on the other areas of my life, including sadly my dance. I was being badly bullied at work by my boss, on a daily basis. My skills were being mocked, marginalised and undermined at every level and I was made to feel like the world’s most useless person. I was publicly humiliated in meetings, my work was physically destroyed in front of clients and I was played off against my ‘work friends’ i.e. those in the team I worked well with. The team I worked for began turning on each other (as naturally they would do when others were also being bullied) and it soon became clear that no-one trusted each other and mind games became the order of the day. The workplace quickly became a destructive and negative place to be - noone wanted to be there but unfortunately had to be.
Now, this is not designed to be a ‘woe is me’ story as there are plenty of people who told me to get the hell out - which is easier said than done in a recession economy. It’s a reflection on my journey over the last few years and the impact other areas of your life has on ‘you’. My dancing began to suffer and whilst I would still go to workshops and hafla’s and weekend residential’s, these were more of a retreat – a break away from the damaging environment that I had to spend 40 odd hours a week in. The internal damage was much less obvious to the outside world. As I was starting to feel like a failure and a fraud professionally, this made me feel like a fraud as a dancer. I started to doubt my own ability and shied away from performing as I truly believed that people wouldn’t be interested in watching me dance – that they would be thinking ‘what on earth is she doing’ and ‘who does she think she is wearing that, or dancing like that – she’s a fraud’. Of course nobody actually said it (well not to my face anyway and lets face it, who wants to spend time worrying about what may have been said!) and the dancing community continued both locally and nationally to still be its usual sparkly, fun and supportive self.
Now, the good news after that depressing few paragraphs, is that there is good news. In March this year I landed myself a new job and moved away from that destructive work environment. My ‘boss’ was moved to another team and went through a serious disciplinary process, which had a lengthy but positive outcome for us. I now work for a great team helping inventors and small businesses so every day is different (as are some of the weird and wonderful inventions!) so bit by bit, my professional confidence is coming back. Our office is full of laughter and banter (as well as hard work) and my colleagues are genuinely interested in my life in the dance world – one colleague has referred to my dancing as wearing ‘strategically placed sequins’ to which he was met with a light-hearted lecture on the culture of bellydancing and the importance of costuming. My new boss gives me space to be able to attend weekends away (such as Sara’s Last Stand and JoY) without so much as a question – he quietly signs off my leave forms and wishes me well.
You may be wondering what this all has to do with dancing. Well, for me, a LOT! This new found freedom and ability to just be ‘me’ professionally has changed the way I feel about dancing and has also changed how I dance. I’m happier, I feel more confident (but not arrogant as I still have a lot of respect for modesty!) and it feels like a door has been unlocked. It’s almost like I have found the key to a huge storage chest that is filled with the knowledge of dance, that I’ve been filling quietly but never really looked at, for fear of it being taken away, mocked or ridiculed. Its almost as though my eyes are truly open and I can see what is going on around me and where I want to go from here. (*cue dramatic music and wind machine*). On a more humble and serious note however, I have been very lucky along the way. There have been my family and friends who have helped me in so many ways from listening to me ranting, picking me up when I’ve felt really low and handing out the tea and sympathy. They know who they are so I won’t start a gushing thank you list – think ‘that’ speech from Gwyneth Paltrow at the Oscars!
2013 has so far been a great year in the most part, in terms of dancing. I’ve been to quite a few weekend events which have taught me a lot about myself. I’ve identified things I can tolerate, things I can’t, things I can do, things I can’t, music I love, music I’m not so keen on. I’ve made new friends and strengthened existing friendships, I’ve been to new venues and seen new things. These things have all been important to me but THE most important thing I have achieved this year is that I have finally accepted ‘me’ as a dancer. I’ve finally allowed myself to feel good about my dancing. In the words of a great woman ‘I’ve given myself permission to dance’ and you know what – it feels brilliant. It really is true that when you really let yourself go, you can achieve good things. I’m not saying that I’m the greatest technician in the world but if I could show the world what I feel on the inside when I dance now, I hope you would agree that it is a little piece of ‘goodness’
So….some say that the number 13 is unlucky – so far it’s been the opposite for me and I continue to be excited about what the rest of the year has to offer. My students continue to grow, both in personal terms and in class numbers which has a really positive effect on them all. We still have lots of fun together whilst learning and I continue to enjoy teaching them. I have some exciting plans for the year which start in a few weeks with a wonderful holiday to Morocco with my fantastic husband and best friend, who has quietly supported me through all of this. It’s nearly our first anniversary since we got married last year – the year has flown past but I continue to thank my lucky stars for all of the good in my life. Yes there are the usual ups and downs but after the last three years of mostly downs (apart from my wedding of course) I’m bored with that and want to look to the positives. I think 2013 will be full of them xxxxxxxxxxx
For those who know me well, know that the last 3 years give or take have been pretty tough professionally. I have always worked hard and worked full time to earn money to pay the bills and to enjoy the nicer things in life. So when my work life (which dominates and takes up most of my time) started to unravel and become desperately difficult, this had a huge impact on the other areas of my life, including sadly my dance. I was being badly bullied at work by my boss, on a daily basis. My skills were being mocked, marginalised and undermined at every level and I was made to feel like the world’s most useless person. I was publicly humiliated in meetings, my work was physically destroyed in front of clients and I was played off against my ‘work friends’ i.e. those in the team I worked well with. The team I worked for began turning on each other (as naturally they would do when others were also being bullied) and it soon became clear that no-one trusted each other and mind games became the order of the day. The workplace quickly became a destructive and negative place to be - noone wanted to be there but unfortunately had to be.
Now, this is not designed to be a ‘woe is me’ story as there are plenty of people who told me to get the hell out - which is easier said than done in a recession economy. It’s a reflection on my journey over the last few years and the impact other areas of your life has on ‘you’. My dancing began to suffer and whilst I would still go to workshops and hafla’s and weekend residential’s, these were more of a retreat – a break away from the damaging environment that I had to spend 40 odd hours a week in. The internal damage was much less obvious to the outside world. As I was starting to feel like a failure and a fraud professionally, this made me feel like a fraud as a dancer. I started to doubt my own ability and shied away from performing as I truly believed that people wouldn’t be interested in watching me dance – that they would be thinking ‘what on earth is she doing’ and ‘who does she think she is wearing that, or dancing like that – she’s a fraud’. Of course nobody actually said it (well not to my face anyway and lets face it, who wants to spend time worrying about what may have been said!) and the dancing community continued both locally and nationally to still be its usual sparkly, fun and supportive self.
Now, the good news after that depressing few paragraphs, is that there is good news. In March this year I landed myself a new job and moved away from that destructive work environment. My ‘boss’ was moved to another team and went through a serious disciplinary process, which had a lengthy but positive outcome for us. I now work for a great team helping inventors and small businesses so every day is different (as are some of the weird and wonderful inventions!) so bit by bit, my professional confidence is coming back. Our office is full of laughter and banter (as well as hard work) and my colleagues are genuinely interested in my life in the dance world – one colleague has referred to my dancing as wearing ‘strategically placed sequins’ to which he was met with a light-hearted lecture on the culture of bellydancing and the importance of costuming. My new boss gives me space to be able to attend weekends away (such as Sara’s Last Stand and JoY) without so much as a question – he quietly signs off my leave forms and wishes me well.
You may be wondering what this all has to do with dancing. Well, for me, a LOT! This new found freedom and ability to just be ‘me’ professionally has changed the way I feel about dancing and has also changed how I dance. I’m happier, I feel more confident (but not arrogant as I still have a lot of respect for modesty!) and it feels like a door has been unlocked. It’s almost like I have found the key to a huge storage chest that is filled with the knowledge of dance, that I’ve been filling quietly but never really looked at, for fear of it being taken away, mocked or ridiculed. Its almost as though my eyes are truly open and I can see what is going on around me and where I want to go from here. (*cue dramatic music and wind machine*). On a more humble and serious note however, I have been very lucky along the way. There have been my family and friends who have helped me in so many ways from listening to me ranting, picking me up when I’ve felt really low and handing out the tea and sympathy. They know who they are so I won’t start a gushing thank you list – think ‘that’ speech from Gwyneth Paltrow at the Oscars!
2013 has so far been a great year in the most part, in terms of dancing. I’ve been to quite a few weekend events which have taught me a lot about myself. I’ve identified things I can tolerate, things I can’t, things I can do, things I can’t, music I love, music I’m not so keen on. I’ve made new friends and strengthened existing friendships, I’ve been to new venues and seen new things. These things have all been important to me but THE most important thing I have achieved this year is that I have finally accepted ‘me’ as a dancer. I’ve finally allowed myself to feel good about my dancing. In the words of a great woman ‘I’ve given myself permission to dance’ and you know what – it feels brilliant. It really is true that when you really let yourself go, you can achieve good things. I’m not saying that I’m the greatest technician in the world but if I could show the world what I feel on the inside when I dance now, I hope you would agree that it is a little piece of ‘goodness’
So….some say that the number 13 is unlucky – so far it’s been the opposite for me and I continue to be excited about what the rest of the year has to offer. My students continue to grow, both in personal terms and in class numbers which has a really positive effect on them all. We still have lots of fun together whilst learning and I continue to enjoy teaching them. I have some exciting plans for the year which start in a few weeks with a wonderful holiday to Morocco with my fantastic husband and best friend, who has quietly supported me through all of this. It’s nearly our first anniversary since we got married last year – the year has flown past but I continue to thank my lucky stars for all of the good in my life. Yes there are the usual ups and downs but after the last three years of mostly downs (apart from my wedding of course) I’m bored with that and want to look to the positives. I think 2013 will be full of them xxxxxxxxxxx