Having spent a few days last week, with a well-known TV presenter and historian, it’s made me think a lot about the art of complimenting and more importantly how it can be perceived. This came up in one of those awkward pauses in a conversation and whilst I was desperately thinking of something witty and intelligent to say, I was also battling with wanting to pay a compliment. I found myself asking ‘why am I giving this compliment?’ Because I’m trying to fill a hole in the conversation, because I mean it or because I want him to think I’m a great person?
As humans, we all like to be told or at the very least reminded once in a while, that we are liked, that we are important to others and that we are loved. Some people take compliments well, some don’t depending on confidence and self-esteem and self-belief. Receiving a compliment is a whole topic in itself - I’m thinking more about the art of giving a compliment and importantly the reason for giving it.
The bellydance world can at times be a confusing place with regards to compliments, especially to a serial people watcher such as me. There has been many a time where I’ve seen dancers compliment others when I know they don’t favour each other in the real world. Now is this just being supportive or is it political manoeuvring? Are they simply paying a compliment in order to look like the grown up, or do they really mean it? Are they trying to elevate their own positions within the dance world by appearing to be gracious? Who knows, but it’s fascinating to watch.
I’ve always been a fan of giving dancers positive comments, especially when it’s easy to see the amount of hard work, dedication and energy that has gone into a performance. I know how a small piece of constructive feedback can completely change the way you feel about your dancing (for the good and the bad!) – and this isn’t about being validated by a more accomplished dancer. I like performers to know that their efforts have been recognised and that they have made me feel really good – after all, isn’t that what part of sharing dance is about – joy to others? There is a fine line however between a genuine compliment and that ‘over egging the mixture’ and I’ve been to many an event where ‘gushing’ has been on the agenda. I’ve seen many a performer smiling through the onslaught of ‘OMG you were amazing, I loved it, you are such a fabulous dancer, and I love your costume!!!!’ and wondered what was going through her mind. Now I’m not saying that everyone is insincere – far from it but the apparent gushing to a performer, to make oneself look better is a personal bugbear.
I remember a few years ago, making a bit of a faux pax with an international teacher. I was determined not to gush after one of her particularly memorable performances and watching her make her way towards where I was sitting, smiling at all of the complimentees (those complimenting her), I was thinking of the compliment I was going to pay.
I ended up with ‘I love your costume – it’s truly beautiful and looked stunning on you during your performance’. I thought ‘ha, I didn’t gush – she knows that I always enjoy her performances and I’m determined not to gush on about her ability to dance, her emotional attachment to the music etc'. Her response was a steely glare and her saying ‘Thank you but I’d rather know what you thought about my performance’ to which I responded nonchalantly ‘well yeah of course, it was fantastic as always’. Needless to say, she glared at me and then thankfully burst out laughing. Later on that evening, in a discussion with her, I explained why I had said what I did and we had a conversation about serial gushers! Thankfully we are still friends to this day, I still continue to thank her every time she teaches me but in a non-gushing manner and I have learnt the unwritten rule of - never compliment a dancer just on her costume!!!!
I have been brought up to say thank you when necessary and to recognise others hard work, dedication and passion. This has served me well in terms of being genuine with people. If I come and tell you that I liked your performance, it’s because I genuinely liked it and I want to say thank you for sharing it. There is no hidden agenda, there is no other reason, I’m not trying to weird you out by being your best friend (as Im sure you have your own!) and I’m definately not trying to elevate my position by being in your inner circle. I believe that if you are a genuine person, genuine things come your way. So when I am out and about at dance events, whether inside or outside of my usual stomping ground and I like your performance, don’t be surprised if I come up and tell you that I enjoyed it. If I don’t come up and tell you, its highly likely that I just haven’t had time and it’s not because I didn’t enjoy it too - I will find other ways to get the message to you – without gushing on Facebook – I don’t enjoy ‘gushing’ in the real world so I won’t do it online!
So I’ve come up with the following pointers that I try to adhere to, courtesy of some online research:
· Paying compliments has never been more strategically important than it is today. Not because people expect them, but precisely because they don't. While everyone is wrapped up in their own performance, people hardly take the time to recognize the work and talent of others.
· The cardinal rule of flattery is that it should be insightful, specific and empathetic. That means no generic brown-nosing or gushing. It means actually noticing something that the performer may be unaware of. Take these steps to distinguish your praise from bland lip service.
· Make compliments valuable - Be scarce with flattery. Why is platinum so expensive? Because there's such a scarce amount of it out there. Likewise, your compliments should remain rare if they are to have any effect – cue gushing! Overdo it and people will not only come to expect your flattery, but they'll be unaffected by it.
· Be honest with flattery. Compliments are also more valuable if they're honest. How do you ensure others will construe them as such? You have to develop a reputation for tactful honesty.
This isn’t meant as a controversial ‘aim and fire’ into the dance world as it started out in my professional world - this is just a dance blog and its come from observations that I have made over the last few years. In particular, recent events have made me think a lot more about it so be kind to each other, don’t say things you don’t mean, if you want to say something nice, go ahead and say it – that little bit of kindness could improve someone’s day or indeed make a little change to their dance path. As a person who is stepping out alone into the world of dance, its amazing how much more accommodating people are to genuine behaviour and I think the art of complimenting has a huge role in this.
As humans, we all like to be told or at the very least reminded once in a while, that we are liked, that we are important to others and that we are loved. Some people take compliments well, some don’t depending on confidence and self-esteem and self-belief. Receiving a compliment is a whole topic in itself - I’m thinking more about the art of giving a compliment and importantly the reason for giving it.
The bellydance world can at times be a confusing place with regards to compliments, especially to a serial people watcher such as me. There has been many a time where I’ve seen dancers compliment others when I know they don’t favour each other in the real world. Now is this just being supportive or is it political manoeuvring? Are they simply paying a compliment in order to look like the grown up, or do they really mean it? Are they trying to elevate their own positions within the dance world by appearing to be gracious? Who knows, but it’s fascinating to watch.
I’ve always been a fan of giving dancers positive comments, especially when it’s easy to see the amount of hard work, dedication and energy that has gone into a performance. I know how a small piece of constructive feedback can completely change the way you feel about your dancing (for the good and the bad!) – and this isn’t about being validated by a more accomplished dancer. I like performers to know that their efforts have been recognised and that they have made me feel really good – after all, isn’t that what part of sharing dance is about – joy to others? There is a fine line however between a genuine compliment and that ‘over egging the mixture’ and I’ve been to many an event where ‘gushing’ has been on the agenda. I’ve seen many a performer smiling through the onslaught of ‘OMG you were amazing, I loved it, you are such a fabulous dancer, and I love your costume!!!!’ and wondered what was going through her mind. Now I’m not saying that everyone is insincere – far from it but the apparent gushing to a performer, to make oneself look better is a personal bugbear.
I remember a few years ago, making a bit of a faux pax with an international teacher. I was determined not to gush after one of her particularly memorable performances and watching her make her way towards where I was sitting, smiling at all of the complimentees (those complimenting her), I was thinking of the compliment I was going to pay.
I ended up with ‘I love your costume – it’s truly beautiful and looked stunning on you during your performance’. I thought ‘ha, I didn’t gush – she knows that I always enjoy her performances and I’m determined not to gush on about her ability to dance, her emotional attachment to the music etc'. Her response was a steely glare and her saying ‘Thank you but I’d rather know what you thought about my performance’ to which I responded nonchalantly ‘well yeah of course, it was fantastic as always’. Needless to say, she glared at me and then thankfully burst out laughing. Later on that evening, in a discussion with her, I explained why I had said what I did and we had a conversation about serial gushers! Thankfully we are still friends to this day, I still continue to thank her every time she teaches me but in a non-gushing manner and I have learnt the unwritten rule of - never compliment a dancer just on her costume!!!!
I have been brought up to say thank you when necessary and to recognise others hard work, dedication and passion. This has served me well in terms of being genuine with people. If I come and tell you that I liked your performance, it’s because I genuinely liked it and I want to say thank you for sharing it. There is no hidden agenda, there is no other reason, I’m not trying to weird you out by being your best friend (as Im sure you have your own!) and I’m definately not trying to elevate my position by being in your inner circle. I believe that if you are a genuine person, genuine things come your way. So when I am out and about at dance events, whether inside or outside of my usual stomping ground and I like your performance, don’t be surprised if I come up and tell you that I enjoyed it. If I don’t come up and tell you, its highly likely that I just haven’t had time and it’s not because I didn’t enjoy it too - I will find other ways to get the message to you – without gushing on Facebook – I don’t enjoy ‘gushing’ in the real world so I won’t do it online!
So I’ve come up with the following pointers that I try to adhere to, courtesy of some online research:
· Paying compliments has never been more strategically important than it is today. Not because people expect them, but precisely because they don't. While everyone is wrapped up in their own performance, people hardly take the time to recognize the work and talent of others.
· The cardinal rule of flattery is that it should be insightful, specific and empathetic. That means no generic brown-nosing or gushing. It means actually noticing something that the performer may be unaware of. Take these steps to distinguish your praise from bland lip service.
· Make compliments valuable - Be scarce with flattery. Why is platinum so expensive? Because there's such a scarce amount of it out there. Likewise, your compliments should remain rare if they are to have any effect – cue gushing! Overdo it and people will not only come to expect your flattery, but they'll be unaffected by it.
· Be honest with flattery. Compliments are also more valuable if they're honest. How do you ensure others will construe them as such? You have to develop a reputation for tactful honesty.
This isn’t meant as a controversial ‘aim and fire’ into the dance world as it started out in my professional world - this is just a dance blog and its come from observations that I have made over the last few years. In particular, recent events have made me think a lot more about it so be kind to each other, don’t say things you don’t mean, if you want to say something nice, go ahead and say it – that little bit of kindness could improve someone’s day or indeed make a little change to their dance path. As a person who is stepping out alone into the world of dance, its amazing how much more accommodating people are to genuine behaviour and I think the art of complimenting has a huge role in this.